The title is fitting for me at the moment, but not in the way I would like. Currently I am roaming from Laguna to Anaheim and every once in a while up to Santa Monica. My life is as scattered as my mind is. I go from work to school to my moms, driving more than 200 miles a week. I’m living out of my car and I am over-worked, over-stressed and over everything. As seen in my little mental freakout yesterday, I once again have no idea what I am doing with my life. Ah, here we go again. Sometimes its like a broken record, going well for a while then, right when it gets to the best part, it jumps, throwing everything out of whack. I have been working my little ass of trying to get all the components of my grad school application ready. Ive stressed, cried, given up, started again only to realize yesterday… Im not sure if I am ready. Im not sure if I want to sign away my life for the next 6 years. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am floating through all of this constantly stressed and worried, for what? Didn’t I learn my lesson when I went to Europe. I don’t like this life of constantly striving for more and more and not even living. I really am miserable right now. So what to do? What do I really want to do when I graduate in 2 and a half months (holy shit!) I want to travel. Yes I know this for sure. Money becomes the important factor in that thought. I suppose I could teach english, after all I am enrolled in the TEFL course (which I will finish…eventually) But this doesn’t give me the mobility I desire. Ideally I would like to make this blog a sustainable source of income, which I think is possible, I just have to risk putting myself out there completely. Investing more time and money, but hey it could be worth it. Until then I will just push forward, destination unknown.
On a side note, I really enjoyed this quote from The Alchemist describing what you can expect when you settle for the easy as opposed to following your dreams.
“Intense, unexpected suffering passes more quickly than suffering that is apparently bearable; the latter goes on for years and, without our noticing, eats away at our soul until, one day, we are not longer able to free ourselves from the bitterness and it stays with us for the rest of our lives.” -Paulo Coelho