Incandescent Melancholia

Category

Feminine Energy

A new chapter has definitely started, I am not quite sure when things changed but I feel a renewed power in myself that only comes from getting back up after you have been down. I have SO much more clarity about my life, my purpose and how amazing I am that I am now look back a little bit in gratitude for those really fucking difficult moments I had over the last year. I can just feel this new chapter is…

Balance and Focus

I was on the phone with Mark earlier and along with some sage advice about life, he told me I needed to remember to write, so that is why I am here. Life has officially shifted into a new perspective for me, the turbulence, starting last summer, intensifying in November and coming to a head at the beginning of this year has now subsided and a new balance has emerged for me. I feel more content with my life and my direction…

The Valleys of Life

I am in a valley and I just need to accept that. This valley has lasted longer than I have wanted it too. At this point, I wanted to be starting my ascent for the top of another mountain but instead, I feel like I am wandering across a vista in search of that mountain. I have felt really out of place before, like a misfit, but this time it feels different. Instead of running away I am trying to stand…

Killing the Ego

I have been doing a lot of inner work recently after coming to the hard-fought conclusion that all my struggles with life are internal and have absolutely nothing to do with what is happening around me. My mission right now is to understand the inner working of the mind and find a way to silence my ego and see my true self that lies beyond. This sort of sounds like some hippy bullshit but I would beg to argue that…

What Matters

  The following was written at the beginning of December 2016 but was never posted. After starting this post I went through a complete... what do I want to call it... crisis state, where I began to re-evaluate my whole life. I want to post this because it was the spark that has started a revolution in my life (which I plan to write more on this week).  I went back and forth deactivating and reactivating my social media, half…

Self Reliance

Self-reliance is when you live alone in a foreign country where you don't have any close friends or family and you get sick.  It is taking care of yourself when you have a fever and a sore throat, playing two roles simultaneously as caregiver and receiver because you have no other option. It's getting up to make yourself tea or soup or fill the hot water bottle when you can barely function enough to get out of bed but those are things you need.…

Some Days I Wish I Had Bought a Van

Six months ago, this was not the plan. After not receiving funding I put my PhD dreams away and turned instead to my love of adventure, nature and travel. The plan had been to work for a season leading road trips all over the country, save some money, buy a van and fix it up. From there I was going to spend a winter working a ski season and the spring living out of my van climbing and training for bigger…

Alone

I am an adult and I am alone. Every day I wake up, go to work, spend time in my head thinking about ideas, reading and conceptualising, I achieve what I want to achieve, then I come home and I am alone, I eat dinner, I watch some TV maybe read, and then I go to sleep and do it all over again. I am an adult and I am alone. Now I do not say all this to sound…

New Year’s Resolution and Emotional Hibernation

Here we are yet again. Another birthday, another anniversary of this blog, and another set of resolutions for my 27th journey around the sun. Overall 26 was an amazing year. Full of incredible adventures, big changes, and deep and moving love. Just a recap, this time last year I had just returned to California from Dublin and was feeling a lot of uncertainty and anxiety about coming home and about the future. My decision to come home was one that…

Fear, Isolation, and Perfectionism

  The following was written the other morning, since then I have moved on from these feelings but felt since I had written them down and I strive for authenticity I might as well post about it. I would like to, later this weekend, write about how I am feeling now and what I decided in regards to moving beyond feeling this way, but for now, here we go...   I woke up the other morning in an absolute panic. What the…