Incandescent Melancholia

Category

Self Reliance

Self-reliance is when you live alone in a foreign country where you don't have any close friends or family and you get sick.  It is taking care of yourself when you have a fever and a sore throat, playing two roles simultaneously as caregiver and receiver because you have no other option. It's getting up to make yourself tea or soup or fill the hot water bottle when you can barely function enough to get out of bed but those are things you need.…

Some Days I Wish I Had Bought a Van

Six months ago, this was not the plan. After not receiving funding I put my PhD dreams away and turned instead to my love of adventure, nature and travel. The plan had been to work for a season leading road trips all over the country, save some money, buy a van and fix it up. From there I was going to spend a winter working a ski season and the spring living out of my van climbing and training for bigger…

Alone

I am an adult and I am alone. Every day I wake up, go to work, spend time in my head thinking about ideas, reading and conceptualising, I achieve what I want to achieve, then I come home and I am alone, I eat dinner, I watch some TV maybe read, and then I go to sleep and do it all over again. I am an adult and I am alone. Now I do not say all this to sound…

New Year’s Resolution and Emotional Hibernation

Here we are yet again. Another birthday, another anniversary of this blog, and another set of resolutions for my 27th journey around the sun. Overall 26 was an amazing year. Full of incredible adventures, big changes, and deep and moving love. Just a recap, this time last year I had just returned to California from Dublin and was feeling a lot of uncertainty and anxiety about coming home and about the future. My decision to come home was one that…

Fear, Isolation, and Perfectionism

  The following was written the other morning, since then I have moved on from these feelings but felt since I had written them down and I strive for authenticity I might as well post about it. I would like to, later this weekend, write about how I am feeling now and what I decided in regards to moving beyond feeling this way, but for now, here we go...   I woke up the other morning in an absolute panic. What the…

Living Happiness

You know those moments in life where truth becomes evident, where it is as if we take the covers off of our eyes and we can see truth as it actually is.  Recently I feel like I have been having one of those moments.  It started, as most epiphanies seem to, out of a depressed day, yet again worrying about what to do in life, rehearsing all the empty options again and again. But then something happened.  The past week…

beautiful

While I haven't been keeping up on here with my gratitude project I have been writing every day what I am grateful for.  I have also been adulting hardcore lately which has been really nice.  One of the things I've learned recently through this journey in therapy is that because I come from a dysfunctional family I have learned some pretty bad habits which I need to change.  I am basically learning how to reparent myself.  Let me just say…

Difficult Realities

Today I am grateful for those difficult realities, those honest truths about ourselves, our lives, and our relationships. I had one today, a realisation about the reality of a situation, and although it is something deep down I have known for a while I have avoided facing it because I know when I do it is going to make me uncomfortable, make me hurt, and make me lonely.  Sometimes we just have to be honest, though, we cannot play pretend, it's…

I Hope You Dance

There was a moment last night when I was sitting in the living room after having packed my bag for Atlanta where I had an overwhelming urge to just get up and dance. I was listening to some music, earbuds in and all and I just had to get up and dance. It instantly lifted my mood and made me excited and powerful.  So today (or yesterday) I am grateful for that.