I was on the phone with Mark earlier and along with some sage advice about life, he told me I needed to remember to write, so that is why I am here.
Life has officially shifted into a new perspective for me, the turbulence, starting last summer, intensifying in November and coming to a head at the beginning of this year has now subsided and a new balance has emerged for me. I feel more content with my life and my direction than I ever have before. And I mean ever. For the first time, I feel like I have defined purpose in my life, that I am working towards a career where I can selflessly work in the service of others, impact the community I work in, and begin to fight for the social change I believe in. Before I had decided to leave my Ph.D. I felt a deep sense of sadness because I have always wanted to spend my time and energy doing something that mattered and I felt like I had lost track of that in my pursuit of higher education. Now I feel like I have actually found the place I am supposed to be, and that is a really rewarding feeling.
Along with that, I have new plans and goals for my life, I have a very clear image of the balance I am seeking and how I want my life to be, including environmental advocacy, outdoor adventuring, travel, mindfulness and self-love, and healthy and loving relationships. Balance is the key word here. Let’s not fool anyone here, but I am a very passionate person by nature, I dive into things head first and give my all. It is at times my most endearing and debilitating quality. I find it hard to figure out how to be passionately me but also finding stability and balance. Mark once said that that is the thing that scares him most about me, and it is also what he loves about me. And I can understand that. I can understand how it would be scary to be with someone who is not reserved about taking big risks and making huge life changes. And it is frustrating to realise that.
A blog or two ago I talked about relationships and how I had been trying to date but how it wasn’t working for me. Those feelings have changed a bit in the last two months, but I believe the underlying sentiment is still there. I am just not ready. I lose myself too easily still and right now I cannot afford to do that. This year has been and will continue to be about learning to find balance and I need to refocus back to myself. Learning how to find that optimal balance in my own life, that happiness and fulfilment in myself, and block out the possibility of romantic love for a while. I need to do this because I feel like every time I start getting my balance, I get confident and meet someone and I hit the pause button on my own fulfilment and instead try to take into account this other person life. I am not stable enough in myself or my life right now to do this and to not get lost.
I’ve said this, Becca has said this, Mark has said this, and Ash has said this, it is not the time for romantic entanglements. Not now.
So I thought I would set some intentions to help me refocus on what is important, and that is building a satisfying and fulfilling life of my own.
- My first priority is my mental strength and self-love. Including devoting time to meditation and personal growth reading.
- My career will be second priority
- My third priority will be my outdoor passions — I will make time for these activities and build a strong community of female adventure partners to do stuff with.
- My fourth priority is building stronger friendships and strengthening my family relationships
- I need to express my thoughts and feelings more in writing
- I will focus on the positive and cut out the negative or anything that doesn’t serve me
- I will live more in the present moment and spend less time in fruitless endeavors (like Instagram or Netflix)