I am an adult and I am alone. Every day I wake up, go to work, spend time in my head thinking about ideas, reading and conceptualising, I achieve what I want to achieve, then I come home and I am alone, I eat dinner, I watch some TV maybe read, and then I go to sleep and do it all over again. I am an adult and I am alone.
Now I do not say all this to sound depressing, it is just this is the first real time in my adult life where I feel like I have entered the void that is my own life and the safety nets are all gone. The ending of this last relationship has solidified something for me and that is I can no longer run from being by myself, I am tired of trying to fit guys into my life and frame a perfect ending out of something that is either logistically never going to work (due to distance or phase of life), or emotionally is not suitable (being with someone for the sake of not being alone regardless of actual compatibility). I am so guilty of both and I am tired.
I don’t even know what I want anymore. I cannot picture a future with anyone all I can see is a horizon of aloneness and frankly, it is terrifying. Why is this so difficult?
I know what this is, it is an opportunity to grow, to face my insecurities with being by myself, and to learn to be at peace and embrace life alone. But right now that seems daunting and scary. Most of the day I am fine, I feel confident and accomplished in what I am doing, but it is the end of the day, when I am coming home to an empty house and all I really want is to sit down and share my day with someone, curl up on the couch and watch TV, share all this crazy stuff I am working on, and hear about someone else’s journey. That would be nice.
But I think the hardest thing is…
I am not going to get that now, it is not time.
Now it is time to learn to come home and have a week full of quiet evenings alone and not feel desperately alone or empty. It is a time to be at peace with the reality of life that recognises that nothing lasts, everything is fleeting, and at the end of the day we are always alone.
I feel a really deep sadness that I am trying to accept. And I know what you are thinking or what most of you have said as advice to me and that is to go out and make friends, have a social life and so on but I think that misses the point. When you fill your life with other people as a way of avoiding being okay with yourself and by yourself, you don’t really grow as a person, you are just putting a band-aid on loneliness. I don’t want a band-aid, I want personal growth, and I know that is a tough path and that scares me as I face these feelings of deep loneliness and sadness. Somedays I feel like I am crawling in my own skin and would rather scream or do anything for relief. I don’t want to, though. I want to move beyond addictive behaviours, move beyond temporary solutions, and go forward as a better person. I know I need to find acceptance in these feeling to be able to grow.